Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.