Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

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Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.


[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know


Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.


“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.


If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.


Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple


The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.


sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world


i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly