@WineMummy

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

You Might Also Like

@ashlar36

Grandma: what’s oversharing?

Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.

@audipenny

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

@JohnLyonTweets

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

@JB4Realz

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

@weinerdog4life

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

@roostermustache

Him: my gf left me

Me: theres plenty of fish in the sea

Him: yeah but-

Me: also a squirrel

Him: …what

Me: and a sponge in a pineapple

@Tmoney68

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@FredTaming

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly