Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
omg leave her alone
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
this isn’t threatening at all
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.