[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me: