Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
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Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they