I need to get some bricks…
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Cylinder? Tater tot!
– me teaching our 2yr old shapes
“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
Beer keg at party
-there are better ways to drink beer
The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby