Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
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Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Truth
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Worth the read.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff