Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
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When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If looks could kill
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
guilty
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?