@SagDec15

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

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@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

@ddsmidt

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@ch000ch

ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do

@Kendragarden

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

@mortimermaiden

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

@LoveNLunchmeat

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

@rolldiggity

I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.

@MythicPicnic

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.