1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

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Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.


…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.


i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke


ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do


Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor


[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!


*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*


I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.


I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.