Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.