Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
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just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT