Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up


Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.


My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.


Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.


Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?


“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.


Work meeting
Boss: it’s come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash!

Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me


when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I’d just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me


It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.