Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
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Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
it is time once again
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
english majors be like furthermore
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Every haunted house movie:
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I need this for my side hustle.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.