My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.