WANTED: Good looking girl to jog in front of me while I run. Can’t be fast.

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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.


Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.


Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!


Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue


I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.


Can’t wait for it to get dark earlier so I can pick my nose in traffic.


This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”


You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.