Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Rambo Rambow
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes