@hippieswordfish

WANTED: ladder. must be in working condition. bring it by 5134 parker st, it’s the big yellow house with a guy on the roof

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@murrman5

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

@rohoxbaby

tip: glue a tiny mirror onto your drivers license photo so, when you hand it to the cops, they will get confused & arrest themselves instead

@omgthatspunny

If a dog has puppies in a public place, can they be arrested for littering?

@mollytolsky

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

@tastefactory

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@EndhooS

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

@BonaFideIntent

HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me:
HR:
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats twizzler*

@OtherDanOBrien

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation