My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
rise and shine we got egg
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences