Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
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Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’