WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”