@PinkCamoTO

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

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@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

@SkinnerSteven

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

@plank_sinatra

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

@JoParkerBear

If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.

@mewritesgood

You say “potato”, I say “This isn’t working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me.”

@LeahTiscione

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

@trojansauce

[fleeing the bank we just robbed]
accomplice: play it cool this time, okay?
me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS
police officer: alright he’s clear

@online_shawn

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

@MarieLoerzel

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.