Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*puts words between two asterisks*
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?