wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
LMAO
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.