<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
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If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.