WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
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Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Every house has this drawer
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.