[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.