My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.