War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
so, is there a mister shapen head
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.