War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
You Might Also Like
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
So we got a goldfish…
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?