WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
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therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading