@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

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@Scdavis24

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

@MrScottEddy

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

@RoosterMustache

Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.

@Sanbel11

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

@CruisinSoozan

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

@FU_TangClan

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

@sah_nursemom

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

@carlyken

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY