WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

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A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous


Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”


*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright


Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them


*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.


You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math


[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands


“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.


“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.