WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

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Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.


I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.


Early bird gets the worm

2nd mouse gets the cheese

3rd cow gets the grass

All cows get to eat grass tho, theres not really a low supply.


Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.


Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN


[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence


I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.


[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?