A bride just said “today I’m marrying my best friend” it’s like hey great choice, because marrying your mortal enemy seems risky & dangerous
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
You Might Also Like
Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”
*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
A bird in the hand is never as fun as a hand in the bush.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.