warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
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[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Yup.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.