@TweetPotato314

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

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@TheMichaelRock

[at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.

@CelebrityChez

I saw an alligator yesterday. At first I wasn’t sure and thought it could have been a crocodile. That is until I saw it later. Then I knew.

@Carmel_Coleman

I had a dream I was going to the zoo to throw poop at the monkeys. No, not my own poop, thats just gross. Poop I found on the way to zoo.

@ecareyo

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

@OutOfLeftField_

Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.

@Jake_Vig

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

@TheRealPalMal

[Walking into a Mayo Clinic with a Club Sandwich]

Me: This is not what I expected.