@Trudacious

Warm pools make me nervous.

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@OllyiConic

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

@primawesome

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

@_Bluntsage

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

@Spaced_Cowboy00

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

@TheBoydP

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

@magicraisin

She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”