Warm pools make me nervous.
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”