Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Ugh
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.