WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax