@RidiculousSheri

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

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@WeissBrandon

My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist

@UnFitz

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

@spacewizard_t

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

@therepoguy

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

@TwinSurvivalist

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

@SuperTeeWhy

Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die

@Thomas1774Paine

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

@MrEd_EVH

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

@BlondAmbitionTO

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

@ericsshadow

ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.