My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she’s racist
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Ouija board just told me it’s still waiting on a grandbaby and I was like lol Mom when did you die
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.