every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.