WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”