@UnicornSyrup

WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single

You Might Also Like

@HenpeckedHal

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

@FirstGentleman

As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”

@murrman5

are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*

@MissHavisham

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

@TheBoydP

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

@LetMeStart

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

@skittle624

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

@senderblock23

“I heard low winter sun is pretty good.” – low winter sun from behind a bush trying to throw it’s voice

@pleatedjeans

[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine