WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single

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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did


As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”


are you the girl who has to type everything said in court?
I’m sorry
*looks back at prosecutor and answers his question as a dolphin*


*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.


If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit


Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.


Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.


“I heard low winter sun is pretty good.” – low winter sun from behind a bush trying to throw it’s voice


[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine