Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Dolls on drugs
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.