Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
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If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Any refunds available?…
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
When ur friends with white people
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
we’re dead?
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?