@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

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@BoydPetrich

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

@outsmartedmommy

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

@Reverend_Scott

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

@HatfieldAnne

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

@BoogTweets

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

@MrMichaelRose

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

@Tharin_P

The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*

@krisv_723

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?