@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

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@LosLos__

HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.

@Shanehasabeard

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

@mommajessiec

Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.

Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.

Day 57: There is no end in sight.

@imdaintyaf

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

@schmittsteve

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

@runawaycupcake

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

@MartaEffing

This gym’s proximity to three fast food joints is both troubling and comforting.

@Cheeseboy22

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.