Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Ironic
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.