@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT

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@EyeSeeYou619

WARNING: There isn’t nearly as much beer in the wilderness as Coors commercials lead one to believe.

@copymama

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

@sssh_squirrel

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

@themorris23

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

@dadcid

one small step for man one giant step for a really small man

@jaymahonei

my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn’t want such a beautiful child he should’ve kept it in his pants

@Skoog

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

@garyfromteenmom

[first date]
ok dont let them know i stalked them online
them: my aunt–
me: theresa or sharon

@thisplacetho

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

@robdelaney

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.