REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*