Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
What are you eating?
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend
“how is school going?”
THERAPIST: how do you feel
ME: with my hands
THERAPIST: no, like on the inside
ME: ohhh…idk probably kinda squishy and weird