Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra