*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
my dog when i have a friend over
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.