Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
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Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Breaking news:
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Accurate
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no