Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Sometimes? I’m slipping
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know