@treadmilld

WARNING
Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

You Might Also Like

@sock_holliday

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

@ArfMeasures

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

@NJFreudian

Which doesnt belong?

Camel
Polar Bear
Obama
Buffalo

Camel……It’s the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East

@Skoogeth

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

@UnFitz

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

@Ms_Laser

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

@7_Cents

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

@Michael1979

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS