He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Best spoiler warning ever
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.