warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

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Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.


Look what the cat dragged in!

*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*


[naming fruits]

it’s orange colored. call it an orange. these berries are blue. blueberries. *hits bong* and these here berries are very straw.


Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.


COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…


I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.


I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.


She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore


How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?


St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.