“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.