@dadmann_walking

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

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@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@robfee

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: I’m going to ask Donald if he wants something to eat
Barack: That’s nice, Joe
Joe: And then I’m going to offer him knuckle sandwiches

@Alohababe2011

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

@minkahunter

once when I was at work I missed like 30 calls from my boyfriend & a text saying it was an emergency.

when I called him back the emergency was that fraiser’s son was goth in the episode he had just watched.

@everywhereist

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

@Freak0nIine

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

@EndhooS

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

@tweetsbyrocket

me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE

@Sickayduh

[recording studio]
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.