Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I think the cat got the dog high.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people