Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too