@WilliamAder

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

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@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@KeetPotato

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream

@joejwest

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

@mlinhart

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

@KeetPotato

[schmoozing at fancy dinner]
me: im a private investigator
wife: you’re allowed to say gynaecologist, keith
me: people are eating, linda

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@MsSugar_Kisses

If she’s freaking out, kiss her forehead, hug her & call her beautiful.. If she growls, throw chocolate at her from a safe place

@girlwit0filter

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.