Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
this is the best day of my life
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
black phone good
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””