Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.