Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.
Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.
Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.
Baffled by bra hooks.
why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am
5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: It’s faster my way.
I don’t know how to counter that argument.