@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

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@Just_Lee_

Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@LizHackett

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

@_salt_n_lime

Stop blaming alcohol for your bad decisions. You’re still an idiot when you’re sober.

@The_JRM

Automatic doors don’t work when running full speed. I know that now.

@BrentTerhune

Just made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

@Buffalojilll

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

@sarahgkirby

why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am

@ImABaconDonut

5: I went potty.
Me: Did you remember to wipe this time?
5: No.
Me: Why?
5: It’s faster my way.

I don’t know how to counter that argument.