Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this