Was gonna be a professional quarterback but I didn’t wanna injure my chip dipping arm.

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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene


[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.


Oh you’re a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes.

Can’t believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.


Ghost Obi-Wan: You will go to the Dagobah system

Luke: Dagobah system?

Ghost Obi-Wan: There you will learn from Yoda

Ghost Obi-Wan: mostly about doing handstands

Ghost Obi-Wan: he’s really big on handstands honestly it’s like 96% handstands


Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that


Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral


DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes
ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there


Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.