I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Don’t make me out nice you.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.