911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.