@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

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@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

@flouncingqueen

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

@bazecraze

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

@internetluke

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

@runawaycupcake

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

@RunOldMan

Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

@Subtle_Red

You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.