@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

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@TwiCarlyGleeber

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

@chloethesiren

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

@TheHyyyype

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

@MartaEffing

Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
Me:
*goes home*
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*

@BackrowSeats

This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.

@maisondecris

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

@Marlebean

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

@jordan_stratton

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

@xLiserx

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.