*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*
*adds “Historian” to bio*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.