Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
The internet is magic sometimes.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems