Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*


“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.


[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’


My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.


Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha


Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.


Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.


Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.


You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.